The hardest thing these days, now that I am saner than I was is figuring out what I can and can’t write about. In my previous place I wrote if it was in my head it was out my fingers. Which works, until you have a nervous breakdown for the entire Internet to read. That isn’t so good.
I want to write about what is going well (a lot) and what isn’t (my job). And while my marriage has been off limits for public consumption for a long time I am finding that some of me is too. And I think I am ok with it. Just because I can share doesn’t mean I have to. My psychologist agrees that writing is good for me and so I am doing so, just not all of it is public and of course the job is off limits because while I hate it, I want to keep it at the moment.
But at the same time…my crazy can be funny. And while I feel panicky and ill when it happens sometimes, well it is just funny looking back on it. And that is the story about my crazy i want to talk about.
I think many of you are aware I have incredible social anxiety. Which is really unfortunate because I love being social. But I continue to suffer from being awkward and socially inept and am aware of it. So social situations that are new or I don’t understand the social rules will make me physically ill. (Just ask about how I threw up over going to the Buddhist meditation center with Thomas because I wasn’t sure what I needed to do when we got there) But the worst are the ones that are sprung on me.
At least I can obsess endlessly about a social situation that is coming up and then cancel on it when I can’t seem to get my social courage up to go. Tom has had to be the unfortunate audience to many a monologue where I talk about HOW.I.WILL.JUST.DIE if said situation arises. I should add I often claim to be near death if forced to talk about a topic with my psychologist that I don’t want to. Tom is a patient person, who is really good at ignoring me so it is probably less painful than it sounds.
Oh look, I diverted from topic again. Awkward transition complete. Several weeks ago we were shopping at SuperTarget which is also known as the place I can get fresh sushi, clothes and a Starbucks all at one place when I spied a man that looked shockingly like my psychologist. My psychologist has a very psychologist look about him and is well unique enough in appearance that it was easy to spot him several rows away. I rushed into the next row and my stomach sank. For me to talk about all the stuff in therapy that I really would rather not divulge (seriously my crazy goes deep) it is important that my Dr. not exist in my real world. Running into him at Target was simply not going to be something I could deal with. So I peeked around the corner again at which point I didn’t see him only to look back up and notice he was at the end of the very row I was in.
I am a very smooth and subtle person so I grabbed some can off the aisle and walked past him (at this point I was blocked in on one end pretty much) pretending to not see him and staring intently at a can of some vegetable. I get to the end, see Tom and he asks what was up. Where I proceed to have the loud meltdown with tears and all. At which point Tom says really, let me go introduce myself.
I look at him and start yelling through my tears and gasping about HOW.I.WILL.JUST.DIE if he walks over there. And how he needs to stop walking right now. I am absolutely certain at this point that my Dr. has seen my with my canned veg stare and heard me and the new thought hits my brain. When I see him next we are going to have to talk about this.
We finish the little bit of grocery shopping we have and I check out while Tom takes the boy to check out video games. I checked out with my eyes and brain on high alert should an encounter happen again. Then I went and threw up and called Rose while I sat on a bench. Rose is pretty good at talking me off the edge and gets when I am both stressing and amused at something.
And while I obsessed until my next appointment about what I would do if he asked me about it the truth is, it amuses me. I want to get better at controlling reactions and acting like a normal human but I laughed and still do over it. (and no, he didn’t mention it which means I still am alive)