Be forewarned this is yet another post about being crazy. I talked and wrote about being pregnant and having a baby when I had a newborn. I thought birth stories were incredible interesting and now that I am figuring out at least part of my brain I am sort of fascinated by it.
Several days ago we were halfway watching a show on the Discovery Health channel about anxiety disorders. While I did not identify with any of the characters because I fit most strongly in with General Anxiety disorder (but I have a touch of everything as part of that) I was struck by something one of the doctors said. Anxiety disorders don’t happen overnight. They are insidious and like growing your hair out. One day you realize wow, my hair is long. For me, one day I looked at my life and went holy shit, I am crazy.
While it both myself and my psychologist believe I have had anxiety disorders since early childhood they reached the point that I was losing the ability to cope or function like the rest of the world. While it is easy for me to say I have always been like this, the truth is some of it I haven’t.
Tom and I had a lovely date night tonight where we bowled and then went for ice cream. We walked around the shopping center and I admitted that if I were not seeing the amazing and wonderful Dr. C I believe that I would either 1. not be alive or 2. be unable to leave the house.
At the time I started seeing him there were two new-ish things that had started happening to the level that it was really making me odd. 1. I developed overnight a phone anxiety. I work for a Canadian company. Where almost everyone I deal with I deal with by phone, in Canada and conference calls. Being wracked by fear of making a phone call was making my job hell.
It is hard to explain why I could at the same point realize how stupid my fear was and yet be unable to control it. And the stress. Every time I needed t o make a phone call I would be at the point of throwing up over it. Why exactly? They might ask me questions. And they might be unexpected. And I wouldn’t know what to say. Every single instance I needed to make a phone call started off with these thoughts about how someone might *gasp* ask me a question. It wasn’t just work. I wouldn’t call my dr. to make a dr. appointment without the routine of stress, tears, throwing up, stress, walking around the building, etc. I was paralyzed with fear of calling my brother or sister in law and interrupting them. If I needed to call to resolve a billing issue over something..I might put it off for months or just pay the overage instead. As soon as the thought occurred to me I needed to make a phone call the worrying and obsessing began. I would think about it when trying to go to sleep at night. I would think “I really have to do this, but I can’t.” And then the thoughts of worthlessness would start and I would be ready to either throw up or drown myself.
The second fear, the one I told my husband about tonight and he simply stared at me as if I were an alien, is remarkably similar. I couldn’t go into a store or restaurant without being consumed with fear that someone would ask me if I needed help with something. I seemed to be able to do it with Tom so if I wasn’t eating lunch with him, I ate it in my car. I would put off shopping or cry in the car before I went into the store. Again, I don’t know WHY, it just happened. I don’t even know why I was scared they might talk to me. At one point I had to stop going through the drive thru at McDonald’s which had become a safe way for me to get food because they didn’t have the sauce I wanted for my mcnuggets but they didn’t discover this until I was at the pickup window. And I started crying over that because I didn’t want them without that sauce and the stress of simply asking for them to change my order overcame me.
From that point on every single time I thought about McDonald’s I couldn’t bring myself to go because what if they had a problem again.
I realize how crazy I sound. I realized it then. And to be honest these thoughts still happen but between medication (and yes, I am taking it) and the year of cognitive therapy I am doing a lot better. But what is amazing to me is how so much of this part snuck up on me.
I can understand the phone phobia a little. I have always hated making phone calls. Sometimes I write myself up a little sheet sort of scripting out the [potential] conversation. My husband commented to me recently about this after we did personality profiles. I came up as an extrovert, which surprised us. My husband can’t understand how I can enjoy being around people, and yet be scared to order pizza.
Thanks for sharing. Great post.