Dear Thomas,
Today is the last day you will be 9 years old. This is my 11th letter to you. One for every birthday and the one I wrote to you on the day you were born. I don’t tell you much about the time leading up to your arrival but I was sick and scared and to be honest never really thought I was going to get to take you home. But then you arrived despite the scary and horrible pregnancy and you were so amazingly perfect.
I wasn’t really ready to be a mom when you were born. In fact, you arrived after a very quick labor and in a panic I screamed at the nurse to push you back in I wasn’t ready. While I was ready to have you I was wholly unprepared for the emotions and responsibility in parenting.
I think I do a pretty good job now. I think part of it is just realizing I can’t be perfect and no parent will ever be perfect either. I love you. I can’t imagine this world without you. I miss you when you are traveling the world without me.
I have known you and loved you for 10 years. That seems so unbelievable to me. I can’t imagine where all that time is gone. Sometimes late at night I sneak into your room and crawl in bed with you and I secretly don’t mind too much when you crawl in bed with us. I know these days are quickly coming to a close and while I look forward to the relationship we will have as you approach adolescence and adulthood I will always, always miss these days.
10 years ago I held you in my arms in the hospital while your father slept. You weren’t even named yet (your father would do that the next day leading to a decade of my grousing about how HE NAMED YOU WHILE I WAS SLEEPING) but I snuggled you and I sang you the song I had in my head my entire pregnancy. I know it was a love song written by Paul to Linda but the truth is it always felt like my love song to you.
I love you. I am honored to be your mother. Happy birthday my boy.
Who knows how long I’ve loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to, I will.
For if I ever saw you
I didn’t catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.
Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we’re together
Love you when we’re apart.
And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
Oh, you know, I will
I will.
